


Motivation For Retirement

by PeopleAreScary



Series: A Truly Shitty Day For Literally Everyone [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Tony Stark and Loki don´t care, most definitely this time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-03 13:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19465429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeopleAreScary/pseuds/PeopleAreScary
Summary: Fury has had to deal with a lot of shit during his days. None of that shit comes even close to the situation he is in now.Because nothing makes you reconsider your life-choices like running in on Tony Stark and Loki making put. Fuck this shit.Knowledge of previous part recommended but not required.





	Motivation For Retirement

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is now a series. Because I made the mistake of telling my friends about the first one. Fuck you, M. And you, too, other M. (this is the first time I´m actively glad you don´t go by S.)  
> Everybody else who left kudos and kind comments: Thanks. I don´t know what to say but I think you should know that I love you. Yes, even 3000. Or maybe just 2999, we don´t know each other that well.  
> Anyways, still not native, still no beta. I hope you enjoy this burning dumbsterfire of a fic.

Nicholas J. Fury was used to a lot of – for lack of a better wording – ‘weird shit’. Those things just tended to happen when one was the director of a semi-secret spy organisation such as S.H.I.E.L.D., and generally he could deal with it. The occasional alien invasion or cursed item gone rogue at least worked to keep things interesting.

But there were some things, that really made him reconsider a) every single decision he had ever made during the curse of his life and b) if he should maybe go for an early retirement. An overproportionate amount of those things were caused by the man known as Anthony Edward ‘Tony’ Stark. The rest generally consisted of bureaucratic fuck-ups. (Unbeknownst to or possibly ignored by him, a fair amount of those was _also_ caused by Tony Stark and his habit to shift through S.H.I.E.L.D. databases with the sole intent of causing mayhem.)

Today was one of the days, when he actively had to suppress the urge to create a new identity and move to a small village nearby Newcastle to live out the rest of his days. His worst disturbance would be old people who had forgotten where the gas pedal was. It´d be heaven. Of course, the events of the day were directly caused by Stark. They always were.

It had all started, when a very frightened Virginia Potts had frantically called him on his personal phone. Only three people were supposed to know the number of said phone, none of whom were in any way related or acquainted with Stark Industries or Tony Stark himself. He quietly resigned to get rid of the old phone in some way (he´d ask Coulson, he was the only one who ever did things in a productive way. The last time Fury had let somebody else take care of something similar, the agents had decided the only logical way to deal with the issue was to _explode_ it. They had been suspended).

The issue at hand was that, at some point during the previous night, JARVIS – or, as the AI was more commonly known as at S.H.I.E.L.D. ‘the worst security issue in the known universe and probably beyond’ – had lost his ability to access the security feed into Stark´s bedroom. After then attempting audible communication and subsequently not receiving an answer, he had started to try and reach Virginia Potts. The issue here was, that she had currently been on a transatlantic flight back home from a business meeting in Hamburg, Germany. Therefore, her phone had been off.

When it was turned on again, she had immediately been contacted by a very worried JARVIS. Surprisingly enough, JARVIS had since been able to reinstate communications. This fact however failed to do two things:

  1. Calm down JARVIS in any way whatsoever.
  2. Reach Ms. Potts before she hung up to contact Fury. (She had his number on speed-dial, for emergencies. She would continue to have Fury´s number on speed-dial even after he changed his phone without noticing anything. Being close to Tony Stark could be very practical that way.)



Up until then, Fury had been convinced that the worst thing he could encounter that day was mild boredom. In his field of work, boredom was a very much desired thing. It generally meant that the world wasn´t ending at that moment. Now he was cursing his motherfucking bad luck. There had to be a proverb about that somewhere.

If the incredibly public and well-known figure of Anthony Stark went missing (or possibly had just slipped in the shower, Fury fucking _hated_ not having any details while planning his actions) it was immediately placed under high priority. Of course, this only counted the times when he _actually_ went missing, and not the ones when he just didn´t want to talk to S.H.I.E.L.D. Like one example, when after three weeks of high intensity search it had turned out that Stark had just spent the entire time in a small house in Norway. There, he had apparently alternated between playing chess against himself (badly) and attempting to build explosives from children toys (successfully). If his own words were to be believed (which they usually shouldn´t).

This time, however, was serious. Fury even decided to come by himself. More or less because he was intimidated by Ms. Potts. Not that he would ever admit to any such fucking business.

No matter the reason though, the fact remained that Fury was at that moment preparing to storm the penthouse at Stark Tower. He was riding the elevator, together with part of the designated SWAT-Team. Another part was stationed on the helipad to come inside from there.

The ride on the elevator seemed to take way longer than it should. Fury used this time to steel his posture and facial expression into the default mission mode he had worked out over the course of his career. It had a tendency to make other people unnerved while simultaneously giving them the urge to prove themselves.

When the door opened, he was very glad of the years of training he had in schooling his facial expression. (Nevertheless, if one were to review the video feed of the penthouse at a later time, they may or may not notice a slight tremor where Fury´s eyepatch sat. Coincidentally, this also reveals how Fury dealt with any and all tension in public. It was surprisingly easy to redirect tremors like this to the very small area behind an eyepatch.)

Nobody could judge him for this, though.

After all, there were very few people in this world and the immediately adjoining one that would be able to keep their cool of they walked in on Tony Stark and Loki Laufeyson making out with much enthusiasm.

Motherfucker.

He may have said that out loud.

His longing for that house by Newcastle returned with ferocious strength. Moose would be there. She could be like the cuddliest guard dog without all the wet dog smell. They would have a tiny water fountain in their garden.

“I promise this totally isn´t what it looks like!” Tony was grinning in a way that made any authority figure want to pull their hair out.

It made Fury look very unimpressed.

“Really? Cause to me it looks like you´re shoving your tongue down the enemies throat while climbing on top of him.”

A little bit of silence followed.

“He started it?”

“STARK!”

Tony did not seem incredibly bothered by being yelled at by Fury. On one hand, that could be explained with practice. Those things happened almost biweekly. On the other hand, it may be because he was busy burrowing his hand in Loki´s hair and giving him a hickey. Fury was pretty sure that constituted some form of blasphemy.

The two of them generally didn´t seem incredibly bothered by the situation in general. It was almost impressive how they managed to completely ignore thirty S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in full stealth mode with their weapons pointed at them.

Fury´s mood dropped from vaguely annoyed to positively murderous. Of course, he didn´t kill anybody there, that would be unprofessional. Instead, he very pointedly cleared his throat in a way that very clearly communicated the imminent threat everybody present was placed under. This kind of ability can only be attained with practice. Fury had a lot of practice.

Unfortunately for Fury, both Tony and Loki had equally extensive practice with ignoring threats to their live and continued to ignore him.

“Someone is going to explain what is going on here and it´s going to be explained _now_.” If voices could have physical effects on the world around them, this one would have reversed the climate change. As it is, it just made a number of people very uncomfortable – none of them the people addressed.

It did, however, prompt Loki to momentarily ignore his personal goal of reducing Tony Stark to a vaguely humanoid pile of goo with the help of only his tongue to address Fury back. “I am quite certain, that that should be obvious even to you pathetic creatures.”

Tony, actively annoyed at being abandoned, felt the need to contribute to the conversation in the most infuriating way he could come up with. Therefore, he grinned his I´m-Tony-Stark-and-I´m-now-going-to-stress-out-my-PR-team-by-creating-a-scandal-and then-acting-innocent-about-it grin and said “Loki was shy.”

Fury raised one eyebrow. “Doesn´t look like it now.”  
He could go on long walks far away from alien invasions and billionaires and billionaires being invaded by aliens. He´d just have to resign his post.

Loki responded by looking arrogantly annoyed in the way only posh British people and apparently Asgardian princes can and then disappeared. Together with Tony.

“Motherfucker.”

“May I offer the gentlemen, Ladies, and other present a refreshment?”

“You think this is the right moment for this?” Fury did not like JARVIS. Purely on the basis of online security alone, the AI was a nightmare. Additionally, he had also been created by Stark, something Fury would never see as a good thing even if he did appreciate the genius. His life would be much easier if Stark´s interests apart from engineering consisted of following rules and being polite. Sadly though, he only seemed interested in being an asshole. And a certain Norse god from now on. Why did everything always have to become so much worse?

“The Sir seemed distracted up until this point, director Fury. Do you require my assistance in further matters?”

“No”, he answered JARVIS. To the rest of the S.H.I.E.L.D. officials he gave a complicated hand-gesture that, translated from S.H.I.E.L.D. jargon roughly means ‘This was a total waste; I´m annoyed, and I don´t want to talk about it. Go home and drink a coffee or else’. Young recruits always needed a while to understand these intricacies.

He stepped back on the elevator. Today, he wouldn´t get any work done. But he´d find a different way to spend his time. Probably looking for a house by Newcastle.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. It was very nice of you.  
> (Also, I just watched Far From Home today and I´m still not quite okay with that ending. Holy Fuck.)


End file.
